How Eps IV Ruined Star Wars
For my Star Wars Friends: I wrote this up a couple of years ago on a lark. I think I will post this for every new Star Wars movie:
This is a Star Wars fan boy reaction/review to Star Wars Eps IV – A New Hope if Eps I-III has been made first (of course, this presumes that someone would put up the dough to actually make a movie after Eps I…). Thus, we go into Eps IV with only the knowledge of Eps I through III (and no books – books are for losers like Star Trek fans)
Here are some minor items that people might quibble or be excited about. The fun stuff is at the end.
[*] Boba Fett! Awesome!!
[*] Death Star – Cool!
[*] The clones look a bit bland.
[*] Space battles are pretty bland.
[*] Why the heck were bug people designing planet terror weapons anyway?
[*] So at the end of Eps III, all the surviving characters we know are scattered — Palatine and Anakin are with the Empire, the driods and Leia are on Alderaan, Yodi runs off to who knows where, and Obi Wan and Luke are on Tattooine. You mean to tell me that the next movie opens and brings ALL of them back together again except for Yoda and the Palatine? Sure, Force and Destiny and all, but ALL of them are back in the same spot? More on this below. And where the heck are Yoda and the Emperor?
[*] Presumably they looked up the serial number and images of the driods for the troops. Are you saying Anakin/Vadar would not have recognized C3PO and R2D2?!?!? He made one and fought in the war with another!
[*] When the Empire tracked the driods back to the Moisture farm, you would think that a report would get to Vader about it. Luke was openingly living there under the name Skywalker. Even if there was a number of Skywalker clans in the region, one would think Vader would check up on a Skywalker living on the same property that his mother is buried.
[*] Chewbacca works for a smuggler now ?!?!?!
[*] Why the heck is Vadar on Moff Tarkin’s leash?!?! He is the right hand man of the Emperor!!!
[*] Why aren’t the clones speaking with an Australian accent?
[*] Why did Obi Wan call Darth Vadar “Darth” like it was his first name?
[*] So the Empire is using fighters that look like Jedi ships and the rebels are using fighters that were from the Republic (and First Galactic Empire mainstays)? (starfighter sided). Ok, maybe I can get behind that as the X-wings being eventual castoffs. But they sure looked effective in the fight!
[*] I wonder what Luke and Leah’s Midiclorian counts are?
That’s the little stuff. Lets analyze this incestuous plot in full detail to understand how Lucas ruined the Star Wars franchise with Eps IV – The New Crap!
The Plot, if you can call it that: Anakin’s Daughter Leia steals the plans to the Death Star and is pursued by Anakin/Darth Vader. When the ship is captured, she installs the plans on an Astromech droid that was her father’s during the Clone Wars.
The Astromech driod escapes the ship with protocol driod Anakin made as a child and basically was the “handmaiden” of her mother. All this occurs over the planet where Anakin was born (via immaculate conception). The droids separate yet get captured by the same Jawas and sold to relatives of the man Anakin’s mother married, who happen to foster Anakin’s son Luke and also live on the land where Anakin’s mother is buried.
R2 runs off to Anakin’s old master Obi Wan. Luke is attacked by Sandpeople, likely in revenge for Anakin slaughtering one of their tribes back in the day (“take that, son of Skywalker!”). Obi Wan takes Luke and the Driods into Mos Eislie (Anakin’s home town) where they meet up with Chewbacca (Yoda’s old buddy) and get on a ship who’s captain has a price on his head by Jabba the Hutt (from Eps 1), who happens to employ’s Jango Fett’s son Boba.
They blast out of Mos Eisley and all hang out together. Chewbacca and Obi Wan do not interact at all. Given Yoda’s emphasis of his relations with the Wookies is quite well known with Obi Wan, why would he not at least feel this out? Plus, Chewbacca might have recognized Obi Wan (at least the name) from back inn the day via the holographic war/Jedi Council meetings. Odd, to say the least.
Meanwhile, Anakin is torturing his own daughter. He seems completely absorbed in the Dark Side when you think about Leia – she of nobility, is into galactic politics, is from a defenseless planet, and bears an uncanny resemblance to his long-dead wife in both features and hairstyle. He participates in blowing up her home planet and is on board with her execution. Just a strange, sick thing to have going on without any real acknowledgement of the situation.
The rest of the group just happens to show up just after Alderaan gets destroyed and are captured by the Death Star. So Anakin’s old Astromech happens to figure out that Anakin’s daughter is about to be executed, who is then rescued by her brother (unknowingly).
And whats with the kiss? So we got Father torturing daughter, and sister kissing brother? What is this, a Game of Thrones clone?
Then this all wraps up with Anakin killing is old master Obi Wan. How can they let Obi Wan go down like that!?! He is the best duelist the Jedi ever had! He defeated General Grievous and literally cut Anakin/Vader down to size at his height of power! They completely shat on everything Obi Wan did and stood for in Eps 1-3! And the fight itself is horrible. They do not even leave the room the fight starts in. It was all very stiff and awkward. Ok, Anakin was burn to a crisp and Obi Wan is an old man, so I’ll cut them a bit of slack. But its not a lightsaber fight unless someone losses a hand. And I did NOT see a hand hit the floor. Heck, not even a body!
So offspring of Anakin and his droids escape the Death Star. They go back to the Rebel base. It does not take long for the Death Star to arrive. There must have not been much to review of the schematics if the rebels found a weakness in a matter of hours. So Luke goes out to blow up his father’s Death Star. Now the circle is complete as Luke tries to kill Anakin, Anakin then is trying to kill his own son after having killed his wife and tortured his daughter, abet mostly unknowingly.
Now, after all these tons of linkages back to Eps 1-3, out of no where this Han guy saves the day when he somehow sneaks up on the “best pilot in the galaxy”, shoots the ship next to him it clips Anakin’s ship. Sure, Anakin is not what he used to be physically, but we know from Eps 1 that the reason he is a great pilot is that he can see things before they happen and avoid them. A complete disregard to prior established canon. Also, why didn’t Anakin do his patented “spin move”? Does Lucas have no idea that is what Anakin did in EVERY space combat scene in Eps 1-3?!?!?
So the Death Star blows up and Anakin’s daughter rewards Anakin’s son/ her brother for bravery. Yawn.
Who could possibly believe that is even a possible plot! Lucas clearly has lost it with the Star Wars franchise. No way am I going to wait in line for Eps V! (well, maybe a short line).